I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
