If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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