WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
