My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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