Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
