I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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