I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
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