I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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