JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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