Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize