My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
True strength comes from lack of pants
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
