It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
