what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Dating After Heartbreak
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.