How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Small penises have feelings too.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
