yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize