can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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