just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
