The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
