eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!