Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
