Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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