walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
