just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
