I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
