You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
