That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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