Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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