WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
