Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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