a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
