Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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