If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
