I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
