I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
