you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
