I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
