The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
God, I missed his penis.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
