i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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