he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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