The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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