i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
