What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Can I color on your dick again?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
