Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
