just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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