Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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