I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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