I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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