I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Drunk is not a location!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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