The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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