i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
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How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
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On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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