I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
