I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
