Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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